What’s With All the Anonymous Posts About Divorce?
Illustration by Goce Ilievski.
By Meg St-Esprit
In one of my local Facebook groups, I often see women asking anonymously if they should leave a rocky marriage. These heart-wrenching posts are not constrained to my town. In Colorado, a woman named Lucia* is one of those anonymous women. She told me, "My questions are about whether I should move out or if I should ask him to move out..." She's unsure how the legal machinations of separation work, and worried about her son. "There are a lot of things I still need to figure out...I don't feel comfortable really putting it out there that I am seeking separation or divorce to just anyone."
It can be difficult to know where to turn for guidance when you're thinking about a separation. Despite the fact that nearly half of all first marriages end in divorce, the topic can feel fraught and even shameful, especially when your friends are also his friends. But in online spaces such as Facebook groups, more and more women have been seeking advice — and validation — through anonymous posts about their marriage struggles. It’s a relatively recent development; Meta rolled out the functionality in 2021. While there are no hard stats on how many women are utilizing this feature, anecdotal observation points to a sharp rise in the practice. For many women stuck in inequitable or even dangerous marriages, anonymous sharing may be the only way they know how to find support.
This space to decide privately while still receiving validation and advice has been instrumental in helping Lucia navigate the minefield that is divorce. “I've been wishy-washy about it for years … To say that I don't even know that we should have even ever gotten married in the first place is telling.” As bad as things are — she is doing nearly all of the domestic labor while her spouse is effectively separated from the family within their home — she still wonders if she should try to repair things. “Another question that I have asked was, ‘When did you know you were ready?’ because it's hard to know for sure. It's a big life change, but at the same time, life is short.”
Divorced mother of two OIivia Dreizen Howell has been in this position. Before she co-founded Fresh Starts Registry, a resource for people going through divorce, she sought out advice online.
“The first time I realized something was really wrong in my marriage was when I posted, ‘Does everybody else do everything in their household? He literally just sits there, falls asleep on the couch, and then gets up and goes to work. Is that normal?” Howell was scared to post at first, but got immediate feedback that this was not, in fact, how all households with children function. Through posts and feedback, she was able to identify the blame-and-shame cycle used by her ex-husband, such as refusing to watch the kids while she showered and then criticizing her for being slovenly.
Howell left, and thinks the anonymity of online spaces will help other women do the same. “I call myself the divorce vigilante now,” she says. “People feel safe in their Facebook groups. The groups give a view into other people's lives we were missing for a long time. Facebook groups brought back ‘the village’.”
“Validation is just as important, if not more important, than the solution itself,” says pediatrician and lifestyle coach Dr. Whitney Casares. “You have to go through the emotion first before you can find the solution to it.” She says women need to feel visible before they can receive any type of practical advice, and anonymity allows them to do that without shame. “Until we feel seen and heard, it's almost impossible to find a solution.” While many women share information about unequal domestic labor and lack of caring from their partners, some also disclose domestic abuse, which requires a more intensive response than a group can provide. “Seek help from a licensed professional who can work through your individual situation and circumstances,” she says. “You deserve to have a life where you are healthy, happy, and respected. In these instances, it can be almost impossible to make a change without the help of someone who is qualified to do so.” Groups may be the impetus to recognize the problem, but she stresses that they cannot be the sole solution in cases of domestic violence.
Group admins admit that moderating these posts is a challenge. As one of the admins of a Pittsburgh moms group with over 20,000 members, Lindsay Bachman says she has noticed a sharp increase in anonymous cries for help since the pandemic. “It feels heavy some days,” she says. “The responsibility can feel overwhelming, but when I look at it like facilitating discussion, it’s not so daunting.”
Bachman says that she’s had to shift her mindset from being personally responsible for providing aid to being responsible for creating a supportive village. “It’s our collective job as moms of this amazing city to help one another. We belong to each other and we demonstrate this by helping one another out with respectful dialogue, suggestions, shared experiences, and support.” The administration team does have a list of local resources available, but often other commenters are able to provide knowledge and support so that admins don’t need to shoulder it all.
On the Time to Lean podcast, Laura Danger and Crystal Britt help people — mostly moms — navigate the complexity of domestic life. Danger is a coach and educator who famously coined the term weaponized incompetence, while Britt is a licensed clinical social worker. Both women are also certified by Fair Play, the book-turned-movement trying to rightsize the burden of domestic labor in hetero households.
Britt says when her counseling clients utilize anonymous posting, they are typically seeking permission to feel how they do. "They are looking for someone to say, ’It's okay.’ For someone to say, ‘Where you are at is valid.’"
Britt says that women from more conservative and religious backgrounds have often been taught that even the thought of leaving is shameful. Additionally, she adds, their partners are often not willing to consider working towards more equitable domestic partnerships like those outlined in Fair Play because they are clinging to traditional misogyny. In online spaces, they realize not all women are living under such control. “Once you get a whiff of the idea that it could be different, that's why these women look radical.”
Meanwhile, liberal-minded women may feel shame because they think of themselves as beyond those outdated roles. “We are taught as women that it is our job to maintain relationships and make people comfortable,” Danger says. “We are taught that men are not good at these things naturally.” Feminist women who find themselves in an unequal partnership can absorb the message that they are a bad wife or mother because they “let” the balance get off kilter. Social conditioning is powerful, no matter how evolved you may think you are. “We didn't install that programming,” adds Danger. “It’s not our fault.”
Ultimately, most women looking to leave their marriages need help beyond an anonymous post, but the support they find through this tool gives many the courage and resources to take those first steps to caring for themselves more fully.
“I hope when women post about their raw emotions and are vulnerable about their situation that it fosters more and more self-compassion,” says Casares. “We know that half of self-compassion is recognizing a difficult situation and validating it for yourself. Remember, you haven't messed up more than other people; you're not alone. I could fill a coliseum with others in the same spot.”
If you are experiencing domestic abuse or violence, please reach out to a local agency in your area or one of these national organizations that can provide resources: