Is "Pity Sex" A Bad Thing?

Image via Adobestock.

By Chavie Lieber

Mieke Rivka Sidorsky is a certified sex therapist through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). After studying sexual dysfunctions and sex therapy under Dr. Laura Berman, she now treats couples through her private practice in New Jersey, Maryland and Virginia. 

How would you define pity sex?

When you have decided that you will have sex, and you will not get aroused. You think: I'm just going to do this for my partner, I’ll skip my arousal, I'll just do this for you. The problem originates in a high desire-low desire [relationship]. [In marriage,] we call it a high-desire spouse, or HDS, versus a low-desire spouse, or LDS. If one spouse or partner is interested in more sex frequency, and the other feels guilty or has a hard time saying no, they use it as a shortcut, because they don’t want to reject their partner. But it’s a band-aid solution.

I’ve encountered discussions about pity sex, “pity fucks,” or “obligation sex” on social media a lot recently – notably on Reddit and private mom groups on Facebook. Do you think this is new, or just becoming more prevalent? 

I don’t feel this is new. I’m pretty sure this has been happening forever. But maybe people are realizing the negative side effects and consequences in the long term.

Why is pity sex bad?

When you have sex and you’re not aroused, your brain’s synapes are creating negative messages for you that can be very harmful. You reprogram your brain that sex is not pleasurable because you keep on having sex that is not arousing. And now your re-programed: Sex is for your partner. Sex is not for me. I don’t have pleasure. I'm not saying that once or twice is going to reprogram your brain, but if you are doing this on the regular, your brain will send these messages. You are short-changing yourself, and your relationship.

It can also cause pelvic pain. If you are having sex when you’re not aroused, it can be dry and uncomfortable, and if you’re not ready or relaxed, you will not be encouraged [next time].

I imagine a lot of partners have obligation sex because they think it’ll improve a relationship. Do you think that could be true?

I don’t think it’s healthy. A lot of [hetero] men [I treat] say, “I feel like I’m using her, like I’m practically raping her.” It’s a horrible, horrible emotional experience for the partner. They feel like they aren’t getting what they need, emotionally. In relationships — men, women, people, everyone! — want connection, intimacy, passion, eroticism. They can feel when somebody is not present and does not enjoy having sex with them. 

Do you see it more in specific genders, like men versus women, or in hetero relationships?

There are definitely cliche sayings like, “men want sex more than women,” which is not very helpful and accurate. If you look at the physiology of men, it’s harder to have sex without getting aroused. If they have an erection, that is some degree of arousal, right? Whereas some women are truly having sex with no subjective or objective arousal. But it happens with all partners.

Why do you think partners resort to pity sex?

For some, they think that if they have sex today, it'll push off the sexual initiation for a few more days, and buy them more time. Or maybe they feel like it’s a lot of work to get there tonight, like it’s going to take the body a lot to get ready. A lot of [people] describe the process of arousal as being a lot of work, and that can feel like it requires more energy.

I’ve seen you write about different motivations for sex. Can you explain how a one-sided initiation could be healthy?

It’s really important to not confuse motivation here. It’s perfectly fine to say, “I don't have any desire to have sex right now, I don't have any libido,” but then for you to say, “let's get started anyways, and maybe the arousal and the desire will happen.” That's not pity sex. There’s motivation, as in, “my partner would like to have sex, so I'm going to try to get myself there.”

There's spontaneous desire, and then there's a responsive desire. 80% of women only have responsive sexual desire. They weren’t in the mood before, but there’s motivation to get going, and once you’re aroused, you want to have sex. That’s amazing. Whereas, with pity sex, you are not physically or mentally aroused. 

How do you differentiate between pity sex and responsive sex, though?

Well, first I just want to validate that when you are going to have intimacy, there should be no expectation that you’re already aroused. But the idea is that you’re open to it, and open to getting aroused. And that through the process of touching and being together, you generate the intimacy and the sexual desire. 

And also knowing when there are times you can say no, right?

Honestly, I think that is more healthy. If you really feel like you're not going to get there, arousal-wise and desire-wise, maybe it really is better that you're just like, let's bookmark it for tomorrow. Because rather than just doing it for them, it’s better for you both if you are present and engaged. 

Are there scenarios where you see pity sex happening more frequently?

There are some risk factors that might make it more likely to happen. If someone takes a lot more time to get aroused, or if you have a hard time having an orgasm, you could be more likely to choose this behavior as a shortcut. It can also be common in long-term relationships, and after having children, when you’re busier or overwhelmed with child care and make sex less of a priority. There are also some religious ideas that could be risk factors — about obligation or duty to have sex with one's husband — that could play a role into this. 

What about people who believe they are doing the right thing for their relationship by having pity sex?

One of the biggest mistakes I want to highlight is that we simplify people’s needs. Some think sex is just physical, so they just kind of lay there and don’t get aroused, and think it’s all he needs, and it’s so not true, not with men or with any partner. They’re looking for that emotional connection — the intimacy, the love, the romance, the eroticism — and when they’re really not getting it, that's not going to be good for the marriage or relationship in the long term. It’s not the way you put deposits in the love bank. Sex is about quality, and not just checking the box. 

What about partners with different sex drives? 

I’ve found that as the quality increases, the quantity decreases, because they're getting more fulfillment from the sex they are having. So it's actually better for a low-drive partner to have less frequent, but more high-quality, sex.

If someone is having a lot of pity sex, how would you recommend they change?

It’s important to first hear the other person’s experience of it, because that could help motivate change. If you [realize] this is a problem and you want to enjoy sex again, ask about their emotional experience. I’ll bet they’ll say they want an emotional connection and they know it’s been a loss. They likely know you’ve just been going through the motions.

Once the conversation’s been had, where do you go from there?

You need to be real about the routine changing. The partner has been trained not to work at all, because only they have been benefiting, so now everyone needs to be retrained. 

You want to work on getting aroused again. It’s important to re-frame the sex. It was so heavy on the partner and their needs, because you were doing it for them, so now you really need to shift and focus on your pleasure. That may or may not involve intercourse. 

Sometimes women have a hard time asking for what feels good, but you should remember that what is really satisfying to your partner is knowing they’re pleasuring you. That's what people want to feel on a deep level.

Can you share some practical recommendations for partners who are ready to put in the work? 

Scheduling sex is a great strategy for people. It gives the higher-desire [partner] less anxiety about when the sex is going to happen, and it gives the lower-desire one space, and time to prepare and have an open mindset. That's a good strategy for longer-term relationships; not to wait ‘til the mood strikes, and not to wait until the other person initiates. The idea is that you have a schedule and you both try to get aroused. 

This interview has been edited and condensed.