The Hard Work of Making New Friends
Illustration via Getty Images.
By Toby Lowenfels
I spent my 30s in Los Angeles, working in the entertainment industry, but the second I started having kids, I felt the urge to be with family. More specifically, I wanted my mom – and that meant moving back to my hometown of Nashville. It’s been a year now, and though my family is somewhat settled, I’m still finding my footing with friends: how to meet new ones, and how to reconnect with the ones I had as a kid. What I hadn’t realized was how daunting this would all be.
The pandemic built distance between us all, in a very literal sense. For the most part, my close friends remain, but casual friendships were cut loose. We simply lost touch. Now it feels harder than ever to make connections without putting in effort that feels…embarrassing. Women, especially parents, need friends more than ever, but how do you make new friends, or sustain the friendships you have, in your 40s?
After living away from my hometown for 20 years, I found I had a lot to catch up on. And thanks to the pandemic, my social skills were not in check. One morning, I met up with a woman who was introduced to me by a mutual friend. I’d just had a cup of coffee and an argument with my husband; she got an earful and I never heard from her again. I texted to apologize for oversharing and she left me on read. Strike out.
Since then, I’ve learned that making new friends takes moxie and that you cannot worry about what others will think. If I like a woman, I go for it. Life is too short, you know? Recently, I clicked with another mom on the playground, then somewhat aggressively invited myself to her Oscars party. I showed up and was immediately dropped into a close-knit group of warm, intelligent women who’d been friends for decades. It was such a relief to be with women, sharing with women. You crave this kind of female connection when you’re a new mom, and I’m finding myself looking for it again as I approach middle age. But that kind of friendship is hard earned over many years. I left with a longing.
Because the truth is, most people don’t want to make new friends. It takes a lot of effort. Actually, it’s exhausting. Those who never left town are settled in their routines and already have their friends. And while it’s hard to break into those sorts of tight-knit groups, I have found luck connecting with other women like me who’ve recently relocated. I joined a book club. I go for walks with my neighbor. I meet up for coffee with women I click with over Instagram and try not to blurt out all my problems right away. And I’m thrilled to have found a hairdresser I consider a friend (that’s a guaranteed catchup at least every five weeks, plus we actually hang out outside the salon now).
As I try to forge new friendships, I’m realizing that old friends truly are the best and it’s worth every ounce of effort to hold on to them, no matter where they live. When I turned 40 this spring, I felt pressure to make a big deal out of it. Every time I opened my social feeds, I saw girls' trips. But my friends are scattered all over the country and I had decision fatigue when it came to gathering everyone. Instead, I invited my best friend from college to visit and we spent the weekend laughing and talking and crying. (I’m really fun, I swear!) We’d gone months without texting or picking up the phone to chat. Turns out, we’d both let a lot fall through the cracks when it came to staying in touch. We promised to do better.
Maybe because of this, my most consistent friendship takes place over group chat. Three of us met in a baby group when we were living in LA, with little-to-nothing in common except that we were new moms and didn’t know what we were doing. Now we all live in separate cities and text each other all day long. Sometimes, I’ll go to bed early and wake up to 50 texts between the other two women. The constant contact allows us to maintain our intimacy.
Women are often taught about how important romantic relationships are in their lives (we grew up on Disney movies, after all) but as you get older you start to realize the importance of friends. Friendship is its own sort of romance. Paradoxically, this realization often happens when it's harder than ever to make or keep friends because we’re often spread out (particularly true of our generation, one of the most mobile) and busy with our own responsibilities. But maintaining and growing friendships is vital and being isolated is a drag. We know that now more than ever.