How to Get a Grip on Mindless Spending

Illustration by Iryna Auhustsinovich

By Liz Krieger

A few months ago, it was brought to my attention that my spending had gone a bit rogue. By “brought to my attention,” I mean I looked at my credit card statement and gasped at the total. 

It was genuinely shocking. I hadn’t had any unusual expenses. I hadn’t purchased anything big or special. For a few moments, I thought maybe there was an error. 

I scanned the charges. What was I even buying? Well, what WASN’T I buying? Had I clicked through that Instagram post to purchase new packing cubes? Yes! Had I pressed “order now” on a pair of pants that the author of one of my favorite newsletters swore were “magical”? Yup! A “game-changing” mascara. Vitamins for thinning hair. Jeans that fit a mom body but aren’t “mom jeans.” All yes.

Mindless spending is a way to describe it. Ambient acquisition. Tap to Pay, Tap to Pay, as if no money was changing hands. All tied up in the endless scroll of influencers recommending their Holy Grail products, professorial product review sites that promise to help you optimize each purchase, and podcasts devoted to the best products for the most discerning shoppers. Three clicks and there’s an order confirmation number in my inbox.

I’ll admit: I’ve reached a time in my life where I’m easy game for “upgrades.” Perimenopause issues (see also, thinning hair) have left me feeling confused, I’m crunched for time with work and family responsibilities, and I’m perplexed about how to dress my 48-year-old body and take care of my face. (Which is also 48.) 

Every time I go online, ads and Instagram follows serve up algorithmic catnip. Every picture is swiftly shoppable, via ShopMy or LTK. There’s a product for every problem and an influencer who has tried them all and is here to tell me exactly what to buy. 

“I am a sucker for any item that anyone says is ‘the best,’ says Allyson, an author and history professor in California in her late 40s, who I’ve known since middle school — and with whom I often talk about spending habits and potential purchases. “I’m always trying to simplify my life and often believe that some gadget or leather skirt or beauty product or kitchen tool will unlock a magic door into a perfect life. You would think that I would know that’s not true by now…but I guess I don’t.”

Midlife is a vulnerable time, says Winnie Sun, a financial advisor and founding partner of Sun Group Wealth Partners. “We’re all so busy juggling a million things. Sometimes shopping feels like the only breather. There’s a reason they call it shopping therapy! When we’re feeling like we’re losing control, shopping can sometimes feel like a way to get it back. It might be $13 here, $20 there, and you're like, Okay, I can afford it and I work really hard. It just adds up.”

Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, LMSW, a financial therapist based in Michigan, also sees how hard it can be to stave off spending. “It just seems like it's harder to disconnect. You used to just turn off your TV and then you wouldn't be getting commercials when you were reading before bed. Most of us read on our phones or scroll on our phone, so as we're falling asleep, we're getting like, popup ads for a new streaming service or a new clothing subscription box.” 

Plus, there’s a real reward system that occurs when you buy things, says Bryan-Podvin — a distinct ping of dopamine with each transaction. And with online shopping, it’s a weird two-fer, she notes. “Before online shopping, you’d go, swipe your card (or hand over cash) and you'd have your bag, and you'd walk away. But now you get that hit of chemicals when you hit purchase and then you get it again when that package lands on your doorstep.”

Speaking of cash, Podvin recommends using it — and face-to-face transactions — to increase what experts call the “pain of paying.” Says Bryan-Podvin, “When older millennials and Gen Xers are given cash, they tend to treat it ‘more real’ than when it’s an invisible transaction. Therefore, they're a bit more mindful about spending it.” 

Cash doesn’t help with constant online temptation, of course. For that, Bryan-Podvin recommends something she and her partner do to put guardrails on spending. “At the start of each month, we decide on an amount of ‘fun money’ we can each spend however we want. That gives you the autonomy to get the things you want and permission to have those little treats, but when you’ve hit the limit, it’s over.” There are also apps and online programs that help, notes Bryan-Podvin, such as YNAB or Tandem, for planning as a couple.

Midlife is a time to be especially mindful of our real future needs — siphoning money whenever possible to savings, 401Ks, kids’ college funds, or elder care. How do we get ourselves to think about the future when there are so many serums to try? 

This is where Bryan-Podvin brings in values. Does your spending align with yours? “This can mean a range of things,” she says, be it sustainability or buying local, as well as thinking about how spending fits overall into your key long term goals — like the ability to retire or take care of loved ones. While it can be hard for me to connect a viral Mongolian cashmere sweater to the values in my life, it does when I take a beat to think if I really need something, or if I’m just being sucked into a shopping vortex. The power of the pause helps me think about whether a larger sweater stack is something Future Liz will really appreciate. 

If “Future Liz” feels too abstract (and she does!), maybe playing around with those “make me look older” filters can help. No really, it might, says Bryan-Podvin. She points to a study from 2011, in which researchers had people think about putting away money for retirement. They showed them a current picture of themselves, or a picture with their face age-progressed. The people who saw themselves older were more likely to accept later monetary rewards over immediate ones, leading researchers to extrapolate that being able to truly visualize your future self can impact your behaviors. 

While she’s not suggesting we all add a permanent geriatric filter to our selfies, the point is, the better you are able to connect your everyday spending and saving actions to future you — not just some abstract you — the more you can achieve your goals.

Winnie Sun thinks visualization is key, inasmuch as you should visualize how awesome it is to save money. “You need to try to get yourself in the mindset of thinking that the best collectible isn't another lip balm or another pair of jeans. It’s money in the bank! The sexiest purchase you have is a big bank account.” That doesn’t mean you stop spending, but you must think of “treating yourself” a bit differently, she says. “It’s about being intentional.”

To this end, Sun recommends you make multiple accounts at your bank — multiple checking accounts or savings accounts, so that you can allocate money from each paycheck to very specific goals. For instance: Holiday Gifts, New Furnace, or Future Trip. (This reminds me of the granular way I’ve organized my email.)

“Then you can watch your money grow in a very concrete way. Many banks will do this for free,” says Sun. “Instead of just clicking through to buy impulsively, you’ll at least know exactly when you have money in that specific account.” 

When you’re online shopping, Sun suggests using the shopping cart as a cool-down spot and try to keep yourself to a “waiting period.” Says Sun: “I always stick stuff in the cart. Sometimes I then do more research on an item. Other times, I get too busy with other things and when I finally go back to it, the desire for it is gone! I’ll be like: Why did I put this in here? If that’s the case, then I can probably live without it, so then I just get rid of it.”

Lara, a 49-year-old teacher in New York, is a habitual cart abandoner. “If enough days or weeks go by and I still really want it, then I’ll possibly go through with the purchase. This helps me make sure I’m not impulse buying something.”

Meanwhile, Sasha, a 42-year-old communications consultant in Portland, Oregon, has tamped down on spending by better managing her inbox. “It starts in my email,” she says. “Daily emails, constantly poking me to shop, even when I wasn’t going to. I went and unsubscribed from every single one I could. Now no company can get to me that way!”

Life’s moving faster than ever these days. For me, the key to making mindless spending a lot more mindful involves slowing it all down. Taking plenty of pauses before purchases and keeping my eye (and my trigger finger) on long-term needs and wants as much as possible. Clear eyes, Apple Pay off, can’t lose.