The Beauty of Male Friendships
Photo by Lucas Ottone.
By Ashley Simpo
On a clear, warm weekday evening near the tail end of summer, I stood on a rooftop in the middle of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, feeling feelings.
I was hazy from the edible I had just scarfed down and dumbfounded by the sunset before me.
There I was, in an incredibly romantic setting and no romantic partner. The situation should have annihilated me, fresh from a breakup with my boyfriend of four years. The midweek event was just the sort of thing we would have attended together — a cannabis comedy show just a short Uber ride away from my apartment. Instead, I was on a friend date with a homeboy who wanted to meet and catch up before he traveled abroad.
The homeboy in question was my friend Tareq, whom I was introduced to five years ago when he needed someone to moderate a panel. Over the years, we kept working together, and our friendship grew organically. A safe, chill, no-funny-stuff friendship that we both feel proud and privileged to have. We’ve seen each other through break-ups and significant life changes and even navigated a spat or two. I appreciate that I can ask for his Black cis male opinion and know it won’t be contaminated by a desire to court me or get me in bed.
Since that night, I’ve thought a lot about my friendships with men — menships, if you will — and how they are just as deep, complex, loving, and pivotal as my romantic relationships have been, only without the dust that we tend to get lost in when hearts and genitals occupy the same space.
This year, in post-break-up recovery, I’ve had a newfound appreciation for platonic dating. Getting dressed up, heading somewhere cute, and skipping the romance and courtship. My guy friends and I have met up for movies, dinners, and drinks and have been each other’s plus-one to various events. It’s been a wonderful way to ease back into single life.
As a woman heading confidently into her 40s, my menships have clarified and matured over the last decade.
Gone are the days when “friend” was code for friend-zoning a persistent suitor or hiding a crush I wasn’t ready to reveal. A lot of my “guy friends” of that era turned into situationships or flings that burned hot and died fast, or just bothered actual romantic partners who were left with good reason to question an iffy friendship.
Joyce Miles Jaquote, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says asserting boundaries in cross-sex friendships should be task one. In fact, Jacquote says three boundaries matter most.
“First, there should be an understanding of physical boundaries,” she said, clarifying that hugs might be fine, but kissing on the lips is a bad move. “Second, there should be an understanding of what is an appropriate conversation between friends,” continued Jacquote. “Talking about how your day went and plans for the future would be appropriate, whereas discussing sexual fantasies would most likely not be appropriate.” Third, Jacquote said there should be a general understanding and respect for romantic partners, careful not to say too much. “Sharing intimate things about your romantic relationship or personal information about your romantic partner should be avoided as it can be perceived by your partner as a betrayal of trust.”
Part of being friends with the opposite sex is being friends with the people they love. Jacquote says introducing cross-sex friends to our significant other is the best way for them to understand that the relationship is strictly platonic and avoid a common conflict. “Cross-sex friendships might make a partner or spouse feel uncomfortable if they had been cheated on in a previous relationship, especially if their former partner cheated with a person who was known to be a friend.” To ease concerns that the friendship is covering up something deeper, Jacquote says to keep things above board and transparent.
As I matured, I found a growing desire to create a diverse community of friends around me, friends of various backgrounds, with various ambitions, of varied ages and gender expressions. I wanted to build healthy, lasting relationships that feel like a loving, safe space for all involved.
Now, let me state the obvious. The thing about platonic cross-sex friendship is that attraction is unavoidable. An article from Scientific American said most platonic friendships between the opposite sex have carried some version of attraction and even argued that we “fall in love” with our friends. I would wholeheartedly agree. We absolutely fall in love with our friends; be they the same or opposite sex. Both of my closest menships are with good-looking, successful, and charming men. I would be lying through my teeth if I said I don’t think they’re attractive. In my platonic friendships with men, we haven’t denied ever being attracted to each other, but we agreed that indulging in a fleeting attraction would just make things weird. Sexual partners aren’t really hard to find, but a good friend to navigate adulthood with is much harder to come by. Instead of playing in a gray area that might lead to nowhere, we nurtured the more sustainable parts of our relationship.
Unlike Tareq, my other close man-friend, Joel, and I have a romantic history. Eight years ago, we started as fans of each other's work, both up-and-coming writers at the time. A flirtation began, followed by a hot-and-heavy, but brief, romance. Then life got in the way, and we decided to “just be friends.”
Navigating a friendship with an ex is significantly different than with friends you’ve never seen naked. We tried and failed a few times before our sexual and romantic past stopped coming back up.
Jacquote said it’s possible to be friends with an ex, but it takes a much more intentional approach. “If people wish to remain friends after their relationship has dissolved, it is important for them to talk about what their reasons for remaining friends are and what they expect the relationship to look like.” She followed this advice with a reminder that friendship post break-up might not look like friendship pre-romance.
Eventually, Joel and I hashed it out and discussed what kind of friends we wanted to be. We talked about boundaries and decided that holding on to a healthy and enriching friendship was more valuable than holding on to the remains of an old romance. Over the years, we had both matured and grown into adulthood. As romantic partners, we could only go so far, but our friendship had longevity and felt emotionally equitable. I basically got the best version of someone I might have missed out on if I insisted that romantic love was the only kind we could share.
Not every ex is a future friend, of course. My ex-husband and I are technically friends, but I don’t invite him to grab brunch or binge-watch Love is Blind with me. Our friendship is based on one thing — our eleven-year-old son. We freely discuss family business and parenting challenges, coordinate schedules, and chit-chat about how old we’re getting when we exchange our kid every week. We’re more like amicable co-workers than friends, which keeps our lives harmonious and drama-free.
Tareq and Joel both have a significant amount of platonic friendships with women. Even though I would like to assume that the reasons are obvious, I asked them to explain why. “There’s this level of openness and candor, you know what I’m saying? Like, it’s rare,” said Joel. He also said he finds a softness in his friendships with women that isn’t always available from other men in his life. “There's that harmony that exists when we can share and spend time with people on a strictly platonic level. We need that level of balance.”
Tareq echoed Joel’s sentiments. “[Friendships with women] offer me a soft landing place to express my vulnerabilities and show up as me. And I don't necessarily feel like I need to be anything different.”
It’s true, the thing about balance. I love my friendships with women; we understand each other unspokenly and fiercely protect one another. But my menships offer a different benefit entirely. A safe space to enjoy protective masculine energy without the stuff of dating and partnership.
I don’t have to be invested in the minutiae of my male friends; they have partners in their lives to tend to that. I don’t need to fuss over them or worry about what they’re doing or not doing. And they don’t have to attempt to read my mind or anticipate my unspoken romantic needs. We’re left simply to exist and bask in comradery, void of mind games, omissions, or heartbreak.
Sometimes, being friends with men feels like having nieces and nephews. Fun and enjoyable, and then you get to drop them off to someone else. My menships are rooted in the truth I’ve learned about myself: I don’t need to be everything to every person, and every person does not have to fulfill all of my needs. I can derive what is good and healthy from the people I love, and protect and honor that without forcing it to be more.
As a woman living in a world that often feels inherently unsafe, it’s nice to be in the presence of an unharmful, protective, loving man and not have to wonder if things will get weird.